A Trying Day

Today was not the easiest day for me. I am currently in Missouri for a swim meet. The event I swam today was the 200 free. I warmed up and felt pretty descent. I don’t really have much power in the water but thought I would be fine if I warmed up enough. I am very tired from swimming and lifting hard. Eddie and I talked about how I was going to swim the race and what we expected. I swam the 200 free in the prelims in the last heat next to Ryan Lochte. I got demolished by everyone. I went 1:58. Other swimmers in the heat went up to six seconds faster than me. Seriously there were probably 15 year old boys that beat me today. I think the fastest two girls in the finals beat my time too. I failed to qualify to swim at night. Wow. I had nothing. I tried to pick it up. There was nothing to go with.

My plan coming into the meet was to just wear a Speedo. I didn’t want to wear a faster suit because I wanted to really be able to judge where I am in the season. Basically everyone else in the meet is wearing a suit. It was tempting to put on a suit…I have learned that it is generally best to stick to your plan.

Although I’m more mature and experienced now than I ever have been I sometimes get sucked back into my somewhat immature days when I perform poorly. For instance, when I swam that slow the first things that come to my mind are, am I fat? Am I less cut than I once was? Is my stroke different? Have I lost touch? Has my nutrition not been as good? I am very hard on myself and have difficulty accepting anything less that what I expect.

To make things worse I got crap from people surrouding me…even my friends, teammates and coaches. Some of the things said to me were, “dude you should be embarrased” “are you serious? 1:58″ “Oh you don’t need to see the heat sheet for finals…it’s not like you made it back” In my younger years this would have completely enraged me. I can remember times like this in the past where I would literally want to fight someone I was so furious inside. When I was younger I drew a lot of motivation from the fact that I thought I always had to prove people wrong and shove it in their faces. As I got older I realized this mode of operating is way too strenous on my mind, not healthy and not the best way to prepare myself for success. When I heard these comments today a part of me was annoyed. However, a bigger part of me was disappointed in myself and somewhat hurt that people failed to realize how tired I am. I left by reminding myself that the only thing that matters is that I know the truth and stay confident in what I’m doing. This has been my mentality in my later years…I focus on myself and what I can do to prepare myself for success. I try not to worry about what others think or say…in the end I’m the only one who can either make or take away the magic…I control me.

A guy I have known for many years named Sam could tell I was a bit down tonight. He has commentated tons of meets over years including the likes of Olympic Trials. He told me tonight that his favorite part of the entire Olympic Trials in Omaha was my reaction after I won the 50 free and in a frenzy of excitement and jubilation went over to hug Eddie and Kris. He told me how my emotion showed it all. He said he could remember how it was only 18 months earlier when I was telling him how I longed to get to the top and was on the road to success that hadn’t yet been acheived. Sam told me that I need to remember that I have seen it all. I have been to the top of the top and the low of the low. He’s right…what makes the top so beautiful and emotionally fulfilling is knowing how far you’ve come and how bad the bottom feels. Meets like this are humbling and make me really appreciate and feel thankful for all the succes I’ve been able to expereince. Sam told me to keep my head up and use this as a lesson and take something positive from it…he said I know you’ll be back at the top!

I need to look at this situation from the right angle….hmmmm sounds familiar. Trust me I know it’s hard to do sometimes. I felt terrible all day. I’ve found that sometimes it just takes something outside ourselves to grab us and give us a helping hand. Thankfully today Sam gave me that helping hand. I now realize I’m tired and need to judge the rest of this meet accordingly. I have a feeling things will only get better from here! I’ll keep you updated.

Sam, if you’re reading this…thanks for giving me the helping hand I needed!